Mister spent some time away from the family which was one of the best decisions I made since our marriage crashed. Sure the nights were filled with a deep sense of loss, void, loneliness and worry and it was difficult to carry out all the child caretaking responsibilities on my own but I did feel more empowered and in control. I was no longer controlling "what happened," I was simply focused on "what I need today" and what I desperately needed was a place of safety and security.
All the pain, mistrust, anger and unanswered questions made me feel unsafe in my marriage and I needed to create a place that was safe for me to feel and express my feelings in a constructive way. The time away allowed my husband to realize this, I think, because he wrote me a heartfelt email for the first time since the last infidelity. Prior to this, he relied on gifts to make me feel better and continued to believe the money he was bringing home would somehow make things better.
I have to admit financial security did make things easier, but it wasn't enough to fill this huge void in my heart. I didn't choose him for his job or money, in fact he didn't even have a stable job when we got married at a young age. What I wanted was a lifelong partnership of respect, trust and love, someone to start a family with and be with until we are of old age. He knows this too, but somewhere along the way we both lost sight of what was really important in life. I say "we" because even though I'm not responsible for his problems, I didn't know how to make this marriage a safe place for him either.
The time away helped him to realize that his problems with infidelity was not simply a problem of "self-control" or "making right choices" because there was something underneath this that was preventing him from making the right choice. I always knew this by being a part of his family and always knew his parents and siblings were all sick in their own ways. He grew up in a family where there was a lot of mental, emotional and religious abuse, where children's natural needs were neglected and abandoned in the name of God as his father was and still is a pastor. Unforgiving religious laws and dogma prevented his parents from accepting their children's "humanness" which in turn created a cycle of unrealistic expectations, harsh rules and severe punishment.
It took him a long time to see things for what it is- since until now he thought as long as he makes the right choice from here on, he'll be okay. But how can this work when he spent his entire life meeting his own needs by women, sex and a false sense of intimacy. He told me he always thought what he was doing was okay as long as he didn't get caught. What a dangerous ideology this is.
What a complicated journey we have ahead. All I know is we both need to create a place that is safe for both of us as well as our children, and this safety zone cannot be created as long as denial, deceit, lies and shame sits at the core.
He said he heard somewhere that when one cheats on his spouse, he is slowly losing his soul. He says he wants to find his soul again and LIVE.
Today I pray that he is now beginning his own healing journey. More importantly, I pray for the courage and love to trust his words and to create my own place of safety and love regardless of his actions.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Road to Independence
My husband is looking for a place to stay outside the home. I told him I'll take care of the kids during the week and for him to have them on weekends and he says this arrangement is not fair. He says we'll have to make other accommodations where we take care of them during the week together and have them every other weekend. It's hard for me not to control the situation and make things go my way but I know I need to. I told him fine, and hung up on him. I guess hanging up is better than yelling at him, then feeling bad about myself for not being able to control my anger.
I thought this separation process would bring me more peace but it's not. It's making me resentful that he seems so okay and detached from the situation. He still has not responded to my feelings about this marriage not meeting my emotional needs. We were both so focused on his wrongdoings, his emptiness and his unhealthy coping skills that my emotional needs have been neglected for a long time. And now that I realize this, I feel bad that I couldn't choose a "normal" man who was able to connect emotionally.
I've been thinking a lot about why I married him in the first place. One of the biggest reasons, as crazy as this sounds, was that I was able to enjoy sex with him for the first time in my life. Something was different and it felt so passionate and right. I thought that meant we were meant to be together, that we truly love each other.
It's difficult to face the fact that my reason for choosing him might have been created in my delusion. It wasn't real, it was just my own codependent way of thinking that brought me to that conclusion.
As my therapist always tells me, I need to own my feelings and my choices. I despise my choice of choosing him among all the guys that liked me. It's not like guys didn't find me attractive. I was just attracted to men for the wrong reasons.
This marriage is turning out to be a mistake but I can't see my children as a product as a mistake. They're too beautiful and precious. They're very special and it hurts to think that they were brought out of two people who loved each other for all the wrong reasons.
I'm feeling very discouraged and emotional. Time to put on a fake smile and pick up my child.
I thought this separation process would bring me more peace but it's not. It's making me resentful that he seems so okay and detached from the situation. He still has not responded to my feelings about this marriage not meeting my emotional needs. We were both so focused on his wrongdoings, his emptiness and his unhealthy coping skills that my emotional needs have been neglected for a long time. And now that I realize this, I feel bad that I couldn't choose a "normal" man who was able to connect emotionally.
I've been thinking a lot about why I married him in the first place. One of the biggest reasons, as crazy as this sounds, was that I was able to enjoy sex with him for the first time in my life. Something was different and it felt so passionate and right. I thought that meant we were meant to be together, that we truly love each other.
It's difficult to face the fact that my reason for choosing him might have been created in my delusion. It wasn't real, it was just my own codependent way of thinking that brought me to that conclusion.
As my therapist always tells me, I need to own my feelings and my choices. I despise my choice of choosing him among all the guys that liked me. It's not like guys didn't find me attractive. I was just attracted to men for the wrong reasons.
This marriage is turning out to be a mistake but I can't see my children as a product as a mistake. They're too beautiful and precious. They're very special and it hurts to think that they were brought out of two people who loved each other for all the wrong reasons.
I'm feeling very discouraged and emotional. Time to put on a fake smile and pick up my child.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Stranger In My House
My husband went to therapy today. It upset me that it didn't seem to be going anywhere. That is of course, according to my personal standards and expectations. I can't stand that he's still refusing to be vulnerable and sugar coating his disease. He doesn't think he's sugar coating anything. He admits he has a sex addiction but... There is always a "but". I can't stand that "but." I'm now fighting his words. Once again, I'm reminded of my fixation with his recovery and the extent to which it hinders my own recovery and healing.
After a long tearful and heartfelt dialogue, we concluded that it is time to separate. I'm not sure where this separation will lead us but I know it is something we both desperately need. We function as each other's obstacle to recovery and it is getting in the way of us finding our true happiness and purpose in life. Finally we are on the same page without resentment and defensiveness.
I know everything happens for a reason and I'm awed at this perfect serendipitous moment. After countless years of bondage, shame, guilt and obsession with each other (and each other's illnesses), we are finally courageous enough to take a leap of faith, without each other.
It's not that we haven't had happy moments since the last infidelity. We have. We even took a family trip to Hawaii and had an amazing time with the kids. Everyday was perfect and there wasn't a single day of hostility or sadness. We even celebrated another Wedding Anniversary, Thanksgiving and Christmas together as family and tried to convince ourselves and each other that things were improving.
Six months later. Change was taking place only in our fantasies.
As an addict and codependent, that is what we do best- creating fantasies and believing our own delusions and lies. And when the other person's fantasy doesn't fit our own, we get angry, defensive and start fixing each other. I believe that the more analytical person wins. My husband believes that the unemotional person wins. We don't realize that we're both losers in this fucked up game we've created and recreated since our first fight long before the marriage. In essence we are recreating the trauma of our childhood, the isolation, rejection, fear and anger, and somehow finding solace in these familiar emotions yet hating each other for bringing them back to the present.
What a sick, sad cycle it is.
Finally though, something clicked together or should I say something is leaking. This cycle of abuse, addiction and codependence is leaking somewhere and we're starting to awaken from our delusions. We're starting to realize that there is something wrong with this game we're playing. We now look at each other, the other player, and wonder who are you and what are you doing here?
I look into the eyes of this stranger whom I've been living with and had two beautiful children with in this thing called marriage. I don't think I know him.
I turn to the mirror. I don't think I even know myself.
After a long tearful and heartfelt dialogue, we concluded that it is time to separate. I'm not sure where this separation will lead us but I know it is something we both desperately need. We function as each other's obstacle to recovery and it is getting in the way of us finding our true happiness and purpose in life. Finally we are on the same page without resentment and defensiveness.
I know everything happens for a reason and I'm awed at this perfect serendipitous moment. After countless years of bondage, shame, guilt and obsession with each other (and each other's illnesses), we are finally courageous enough to take a leap of faith, without each other.
It's not that we haven't had happy moments since the last infidelity. We have. We even took a family trip to Hawaii and had an amazing time with the kids. Everyday was perfect and there wasn't a single day of hostility or sadness. We even celebrated another Wedding Anniversary, Thanksgiving and Christmas together as family and tried to convince ourselves and each other that things were improving.
Six months later. Change was taking place only in our fantasies.
As an addict and codependent, that is what we do best- creating fantasies and believing our own delusions and lies. And when the other person's fantasy doesn't fit our own, we get angry, defensive and start fixing each other. I believe that the more analytical person wins. My husband believes that the unemotional person wins. We don't realize that we're both losers in this fucked up game we've created and recreated since our first fight long before the marriage. In essence we are recreating the trauma of our childhood, the isolation, rejection, fear and anger, and somehow finding solace in these familiar emotions yet hating each other for bringing them back to the present.
What a sick, sad cycle it is.
Finally though, something clicked together or should I say something is leaking. This cycle of abuse, addiction and codependence is leaking somewhere and we're starting to awaken from our delusions. We're starting to realize that there is something wrong with this game we're playing. We now look at each other, the other player, and wonder who are you and what are you doing here?
I look into the eyes of this stranger whom I've been living with and had two beautiful children with in this thing called marriage. I don't think I know him.
I turn to the mirror. I don't think I even know myself.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
I'm thankful for his Sex Addiction
I'm thankful for my husband's sex addiction because:
1. It helped me to realize that his affairs were not my fault.
I'm no longer regretful and sorrowful that I'm not pretty enough, sexy enough or kind enough for his love. I can't make someone love me. I can only love myself.
3. It made me more humble.
Now I realize no matter how hard I try to make my life perfect, I can't. I'm powerless over my addiction and my husband's addiction and seek God's help more.
4. I learned harsh rules and unrealistic expectations are detrimental to a child's healthy development.
Both our parents laid out unrealistic expectations and obedience from us- their children - without making us feel protected and secure. This was a breeding ground for a sex addict son and codependent daughter like myself. I now realize that parental rules are there to guide, not dictate and control young children.
7. It taught us the importance of healthy boundaries.
We both grew up in families with unhealthy boundaries where it was overly tight in some areas and overly loose in others. We're still learning but we're now more aware of how unhealthy boundaries play out in our daily lives.
11. I'm feeling empowered and stronger than before.
I don't think I'm superior to others but I do feel stronger than others, for example other women who may still be stuck in their denial or enabling stage of codependency. I feel grateful for my courage and strength to face my demons instead of running away my whole life.
12. I'm more appreciative and grateful for the little things in life.
Because I know we may not be together forever, that divorce might become a necessity if we don't make changes, I'm now more appreciative of the little things in life like going out to dinner as family or watching movies together.
13. We may not "be in love" but are now connected on a much deeper level.
There are no more butterflies and lovestruck moments but we now love and care for each other on a much deeper level. We shared so many moments of tears, heartache and volatile fights that our connection is so real despite it being dark at times. Dark and light coexist. Darker the darkness, lighter the light becomes.
15. I now have an opportunity to channel my trauma and difficulty into strengths that can make me happier, more fulfilled and successful in life.
I'm no longer regretful and sorrowful that I'm not pretty enough, sexy enough or kind enough for his love. I can't make someone love me. I can only love myself.
2. It taught me the art of letting go.
I'm no longer trying to control every aspect of my life and his life to make it look more 'perfect' in my eyes. 3. It made me more humble.
4. I learned harsh rules and unrealistic expectations are detrimental to a child's healthy development.
Both our parents laid out unrealistic expectations and obedience from us- their children - without making us feel protected and secure. This was a breeding ground for a sex addict son and codependent daughter like myself. I now realize that parental rules are there to guide, not dictate and control young children.
5. It helped my husband to finally see his own flaws and imperfections.
My husband's supersized ego is now dismantling. He used to think he can control every aspect of his life. Now he realizes he can't.
6. It helped my husband to see that his family is not perfect.
My husband had a strong sense of "family pride" and filial duty as the "first son." He felt his family was superior to other families because they're such devout Christians. Finally he is seeing how dysfunction weaves in and out of his family dynamic and is no longer blinded by their manipulations.
7. It taught us the importance of healthy boundaries.
We both grew up in families with unhealthy boundaries where it was overly tight in some areas and overly loose in others. We're still learning but we're now more aware of how unhealthy boundaries play out in our daily lives.
8. We're learning that it is okay to say "no."
Being able to say "no" without fear of abandonment or rejection is another momentous discovery for us. We used to say "yes" even when we want to say "no" and our resentment toward each other grew deeper. We're still working on this but are definitely becoming more aware of it.
9. We're learning how to love selflessly and to forgive without expecting something back in return.
I learned forgiveness is relieving the other person from debt. We don't forgive because we want them to do something for us, but because we CHOOSE to forgive out of the goodness of our hearts. True forgiveness gives us freedom, it does not make us resentful. I still toggle back and forth between forgiveness and resentment. I'm still working on this process.
10. We're learning to become better parents and are committed to end our generational cycle of abuse and codepedency.
We both agree that we don't want to pass this onto our children the way our parents passed down their guilt, shame and fear onto us. We want our children to grow up in a healthier environment and refuse to repeat what our parents did to us.11. I'm feeling empowered and stronger than before.
I don't think I'm superior to others but I do feel stronger than others, for example other women who may still be stuck in their denial or enabling stage of codependency. I feel grateful for my courage and strength to face my demons instead of running away my whole life.
Because I know we may not be together forever, that divorce might become a necessity if we don't make changes, I'm now more appreciative of the little things in life like going out to dinner as family or watching movies together.
13. We may not "be in love" but are now connected on a much deeper level.
There are no more butterflies and lovestruck moments but we now love and care for each other on a much deeper level. We shared so many moments of tears, heartache and volatile fights that our connection is so real despite it being dark at times. Dark and light coexist. Darker the darkness, lighter the light becomes.
14. Through my husband's sex addiction, I'm discovering so much about myself that I wouldn't have known otherwise.
I've always been observant, analytical and critical about my surroundings but I know I would never have achieved such a deep level of self-reflection and meditation unless I encountered something as painful and traumatic as finding out about my husband's sex addiction. 15. I now have an opportunity to channel my trauma and difficulty into strengths that can make me happier, more fulfilled and successful in life.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Solitude
At times lash out at him and make him suffer for the pain he has caused in this marriage and my life. Sometimes I want to just pack my bags and leave. In my mind I've already packed my bags a thousand times. But I know too well that leaving like this won't do much for me. Even if I leave this marriage one day, I must first find the serenity within myself and break out of this cycle so I don't attract another man just like my husband. Knowing the disturbed state of my mind and my deeply rooted pattern of behavior, finding a healthy male figure is slim to none unless I get better. Does that sound like an excuse? Maybe it is. I guess I'm just avoiding the one thing that still disturbs me.
I still love my husband. Maybe my love isn't healthy, maybe it's only an illusion. But I do still love him whether or not my love is good or harmful. Love is love and I love him in the best way I know how to love. A part of me feels like I belong with someone like my husband. As much as I resent his illness, we're two peas in a pod.
This is too sad. Just too sick and too sad.
My husband has an appointment with his therapist tomorrow. I guess all I can do is pray for his strength and open heart. Other than that I'm going to keep my mouth shut and try my very best not to interrupt or disrupt his path. Whatever his path is, that is his not mine. I need to stop playing his mother and stop trying to fix things.
All I can do today is fix myself and remember to be grateful for the things I do have. I'm grateful for my beautiful children, I'm grateful for our health and I'm grateful to God for making me me.
The Twelve Steps for Sexual Addicts
1. We admitted we were powerless over our sexual addiction- that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Back in Therapy
Last night I went to therapy thinking that it would probably be my last time being there. I've been feeling much better since the holidays and felt I can spend the money elsewhere like a nice massage or facial to rejuvenate me. I actually convinced myself that I didn't need therapy anymore, that I was at a happier place now and that my struggles were coming to an end just because I "felt" better. Hah! How foolish I was.
I've been doing a lot of reading since my husband's last "acting out"- some of which have been good and others not so much. Just last week however, I got really angry at my husband for not finishing his books like he promised and ripped its pages.
[Broken pieces]
We now have very few wedding pictures left on the walls and I broke our last wedding day picture when I found out he acted out again with a prostitute. My husband had left the house after I coldly asked him to leave. I knew my anger was too raw and too strong for us to stay in the same room and in my anger and broken heart, I yanked the picture off our bedroom wall, dragged the frame into the garage and slammed it onto the floor. I have to admit, I did feel a strange sense of satisfaction and relief as the frame shattered but that feeling didn't last long, especially when I had to pick up the broken pieces and clean up the mess I had made.
Either way, what was done was done and my husband's handsome and youthful face was torn apart into pieces as was my face as a young, glowing bride. Then I dropped to my knees and cried for hours, mourning the loss of our love, innocence and beauty of our union. I remember crying out loud, "Why me God, oh why? Why do you hate me so much?" and feeling utterly defeated and hopeless. Just thinking about that moment still brings back deep emotions months later.
It was truly one of the loneliest and saddest moment of my life and I felt I had no reason to live. I felt worthless and ugly that my husband would rather spend his time with a prostitute. I felt useless that my husband fled to Las Vegas for his best friend's bachelor party and spent time with a stripper. The worst part was that it was our wedding anniversary. I bet she was more beautiful and had a nicer body than me. I bet her breasts were larger and hair fuller. I bet she had a sweeter voice and was better at making love to him than I was. The other woman became the focus of my obsession while I continued to torment and abuse myself for being unworthy of love from anyone.
Just like this, my head would start spinning as I drown myself in guilt, self-hatred and torment while my sex addict husband put on his happy face. He never lost control of his emotions in front of others. He was always laid back, always fine, always happy, always positive, always hard working, always "the nice guy." Everyone loved him including my close family and friends. Everyone viewed him as a saint, the guy who rescued me- the crazy emotional girl- with alcohol problems and anger issues. I was the monster. He saved my life out of the kindness of his heart. I don't know why I thought this way and why I thought other people think of us this way. Now I realize I was really sick in the head and my thought patterns were completely erratic and sadistic. (Note coaddicts checklist.)
I thought this way as recent as 6 months ago. How the hell did I think I was okay to move on without therapy? I walked into my therapist's office with a light heart and huge smile and walked out laden with guilt, shame and sadness. My eyes welled up with tears as I was sitting in front of her, listening to her explanations of how and why my thought pattern was unhealthy and addictive. There were moments when I wanted to yell at her face and tell her to shut the fuck up. Why is she blaming me, THE VICTIM of these problems? I was the one being cheated on, not the one cheating. I never slept with prostitutes, HE DID!! Why am I sitting here in therapy? He's the one who needs therapy, NOT ME!!
Then I remembered this is exactly how I felt in her office three years ago before I stopped seeing her. I guess this is part of the therapeutic process and I must endure this feeling of guilt, shame and anger. She's perfectly right, I just never want to hear it. She's so right about me and my problems that it makes me uneasy. I hate not having control over my own life. No, let me rephrase that- It makes me fearful when I feel my life is out of control. Everything else around is out of control so I must- at the very least- be able to control myself and my actions. Yet contrary to my wishes I have absolutely no control over myself and my thoughts. Yes I need therapy and yes, I must hear these words from my therapist's mouth. It's like finally coming face to face with my deepest, darkest demons that I've been avoiding my entire life. It hurts but I must endure. I must endure, strengthen and heal myself.
In the end, a very positive change came out of last night's session because I came home and began this blog. I never thought about writing about my husband's sex addiction and my coaddiction because they were too shameful. They were so shameful that they must be kept a secret- but now I realize that keeping them a secret is what gives those dark secrets even more power and control over our lives.
So here I am. I'm finally coming out of the closet.
I've been doing a lot of reading since my husband's last "acting out"- some of which have been good and others not so much. Just last week however, I got really angry at my husband for not finishing his books like he promised and ripped its pages.
[Broken pieces]
We now have very few wedding pictures left on the walls and I broke our last wedding day picture when I found out he acted out again with a prostitute. My husband had left the house after I coldly asked him to leave. I knew my anger was too raw and too strong for us to stay in the same room and in my anger and broken heart, I yanked the picture off our bedroom wall, dragged the frame into the garage and slammed it onto the floor. I have to admit, I did feel a strange sense of satisfaction and relief as the frame shattered but that feeling didn't last long, especially when I had to pick up the broken pieces and clean up the mess I had made.
Either way, what was done was done and my husband's handsome and youthful face was torn apart into pieces as was my face as a young, glowing bride. Then I dropped to my knees and cried for hours, mourning the loss of our love, innocence and beauty of our union. I remember crying out loud, "Why me God, oh why? Why do you hate me so much?" and feeling utterly defeated and hopeless. Just thinking about that moment still brings back deep emotions months later.
It was truly one of the loneliest and saddest moment of my life and I felt I had no reason to live. I felt worthless and ugly that my husband would rather spend his time with a prostitute. I felt useless that my husband fled to Las Vegas for his best friend's bachelor party and spent time with a stripper. The worst part was that it was our wedding anniversary. I bet she was more beautiful and had a nicer body than me. I bet her breasts were larger and hair fuller. I bet she had a sweeter voice and was better at making love to him than I was. The other woman became the focus of my obsession while I continued to torment and abuse myself for being unworthy of love from anyone.
Just like this, my head would start spinning as I drown myself in guilt, self-hatred and torment while my sex addict husband put on his happy face. He never lost control of his emotions in front of others. He was always laid back, always fine, always happy, always positive, always hard working, always "the nice guy." Everyone loved him including my close family and friends. Everyone viewed him as a saint, the guy who rescued me- the crazy emotional girl- with alcohol problems and anger issues. I was the monster. He saved my life out of the kindness of his heart. I don't know why I thought this way and why I thought other people think of us this way. Now I realize I was really sick in the head and my thought patterns were completely erratic and sadistic. (Note coaddicts checklist.)
I thought this way as recent as 6 months ago. How the hell did I think I was okay to move on without therapy? I walked into my therapist's office with a light heart and huge smile and walked out laden with guilt, shame and sadness. My eyes welled up with tears as I was sitting in front of her, listening to her explanations of how and why my thought pattern was unhealthy and addictive. There were moments when I wanted to yell at her face and tell her to shut the fuck up. Why is she blaming me, THE VICTIM of these problems? I was the one being cheated on, not the one cheating. I never slept with prostitutes, HE DID!! Why am I sitting here in therapy? He's the one who needs therapy, NOT ME!!
Then I remembered this is exactly how I felt in her office three years ago before I stopped seeing her. I guess this is part of the therapeutic process and I must endure this feeling of guilt, shame and anger. She's perfectly right, I just never want to hear it. She's so right about me and my problems that it makes me uneasy. I hate not having control over my own life. No, let me rephrase that- It makes me fearful when I feel my life is out of control. Everything else around is out of control so I must- at the very least- be able to control myself and my actions. Yet contrary to my wishes I have absolutely no control over myself and my thoughts. Yes I need therapy and yes, I must hear these words from my therapist's mouth. It's like finally coming face to face with my deepest, darkest demons that I've been avoiding my entire life. It hurts but I must endure. I must endure, strengthen and heal myself.
In the end, a very positive change came out of last night's session because I came home and began this blog. I never thought about writing about my husband's sex addiction and my coaddiction because they were too shameful. They were so shameful that they must be kept a secret- but now I realize that keeping them a secret is what gives those dark secrets even more power and control over our lives.
So here I am. I'm finally coming out of the closet.
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