A place of safety

Mister spent some time away from the family which was one of the best decisions I made since our marriage crashed. Sure the nights were filled with a deep sense of loss, void, loneliness and worry and it was difficult to carry out all the child caretaking responsibilities on my own but I did feel more empowered and in control.  I was no longer controlling "what happened," I was simply focused on "what I need today" and what I desperately needed was a place of safety and security.

All the pain, mistrust, anger and unanswered questions made me feel unsafe in my marriage and I needed to create a place that was safe for me to feel and express my feelings in a constructive way. The time away allowed my husband to realize this, I think, because he wrote me a heartfelt email for the first time since the last infidelity. Prior to this, he relied on gifts to make me feel better and continued to believe the money he was bringing home would somehow make things better.

I have to admit financial security did make things easier, but it wasn't enough to fill this huge void in my heart.  I didn't choose him for his job or money, in fact he didn't even have a stable job when we got married at a young age.  What I wanted was a lifelong partnership of respect, trust and love, someone to start a family with and be with until we are of old age.  He knows this too, but somewhere along the way we both lost sight of what was really important in life.  I say "we" because even though I'm not responsible for his problems, I didn't know how to make this marriage a safe place for him either.

The time away helped him to realize that his problems with infidelity was not simply a problem of "self-control" or "making right choices" because there was something underneath this that was preventing him from making the right choice.  I always knew this by being a part of his family and always knew his parents and siblings were all sick in their own ways.  He grew up in a family where there was a lot of mental, emotional and religious abuse, where children's natural needs were neglected and abandoned in the name of God as his father was and still is a pastor. Unforgiving religious laws and dogma prevented his parents from accepting their children's "humanness" which in turn created a cycle of unrealistic expectations, harsh rules and severe punishment.

It took him a long time to see things for what it is- since until now he thought as long as he makes the right choice from here on, he'll be okay.  But how can this work when he spent his entire life meeting his own needs by women, sex and a false sense of intimacy.  He told me he always thought what he was doing was okay as long as he didn't get caught.  What a dangerous ideology this is.

What a complicated journey we have ahead. All I know is we both need to create a place that is safe for both of us as well as our children, and this safety zone cannot be created as long as denial, deceit, lies and shame sits at the core.

He said he heard somewhere that when one cheats on his spouse, he is slowly losing his soul. He says he wants to find his soul again and LIVE.

Today I pray that he is now beginning his own healing journey.  More importantly, I pray for the courage and love to trust his words and to create my own place of safety and love regardless of his actions.