My husband is looking for a place to stay outside the home. I told him I'll take care of the kids during the week and for him to have them on weekends and he says this arrangement is not fair. He says we'll have to make other accommodations where we take care of them during the week together and have them every other weekend. It's hard for me not to control the situation and make things go my way but I know I need to. I told him fine, and hung up on him. I guess hanging up is better than yelling at him, then feeling bad about myself for not being able to control my anger.
I thought this separation process would bring me more peace but it's not. It's making me resentful that he seems so okay and detached from the situation. He still has not responded to my feelings about this marriage not meeting my emotional needs. We were both so focused on his wrongdoings, his emptiness and his unhealthy coping skills that my emotional needs have been neglected for a long time. And now that I realize this, I feel bad that I couldn't choose a "normal" man who was able to connect emotionally.
I've been thinking a lot about why I married him in the first place. One of the biggest reasons, as crazy as this sounds, was that I was able to enjoy sex with him for the first time in my life. Something was different and it felt so passionate and right. I thought that meant we were meant to be together, that we truly love each other.
It's difficult to face the fact that my reason for choosing him might have been created in my delusion. It wasn't real, it was just my own codependent way of thinking that brought me to that conclusion.
As my therapist always tells me, I need to own my feelings and my choices. I despise my choice of choosing him among all the guys that liked me. It's not like guys didn't find me attractive. I was just attracted to men for the wrong reasons.
This marriage is turning out to be a mistake but I can't see my children as a product as a mistake. They're too beautiful and precious. They're very special and it hurts to think that they were brought out of two people who loved each other for all the wrong reasons.
I'm feeling very discouraged and emotional. Time to put on a fake smile and pick up my child.
Inertia,
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel, so trust me when I say that you are not alone. I don’t think there is any partner of a SA out there who could say that they never at some point questioned themselves about how they could end up in such a horrific situation. And I know this is not easy but having the strength and courage to even consider a separation says a lot about you. What I am learning though, is that we can not control or change our partners or anyone else for that matter. If in fact your husband is detached and emotionally unavailable then he will have to seek help on his own in order to make healthier choices. Right now it sounds like you are doing what is best for you even if it feels bad. Addicts ABSOLUTELY must want it (recovery/healing) for themselves. You said for so long you focused on him and ignored yourself, well now is as good a time as any to heal and put the focus back where it belongs…on YOU!
SteadyHealing~ http://apathtohealing.wordpress.com
Steadyhealing,
ReplyDeleteThank you for being my first commenter and friend in healing. I appreciate you connecting with my feeling and pain that are often too difficult to express elsewhere.
I agree that addicts must want the recovery FOR THEMSELVES and I don't know why it took me so long to realize this. I guess being caught up in an unhealthy relationship makes me short sighted on more important facts such as this.
I really appreciate your connection, as this is the only thing I can rely on besides myself to heal and get back on the road.
Much love and gratitude.