I'm no longer regretful and sorrowful that I'm not pretty enough, sexy enough or kind enough for his love. I can't make someone love me. I can only love myself.
2. It taught me the art of letting go.
I'm no longer trying to control every aspect of my life and his life to make it look more 'perfect' in my eyes. 3. It made me more humble.
4. I learned harsh rules and unrealistic expectations are detrimental to a child's healthy development.
Both our parents laid out unrealistic expectations and obedience from us- their children - without making us feel protected and secure. This was a breeding ground for a sex addict son and codependent daughter like myself. I now realize that parental rules are there to guide, not dictate and control young children.
5. It helped my husband to finally see his own flaws and imperfections.
My husband's supersized ego is now dismantling. He used to think he can control every aspect of his life. Now he realizes he can't.
6. It helped my husband to see that his family is not perfect.
My husband had a strong sense of "family pride" and filial duty as the "first son." He felt his family was superior to other families because they're such devout Christians. Finally he is seeing how dysfunction weaves in and out of his family dynamic and is no longer blinded by their manipulations.
7. It taught us the importance of healthy boundaries.
We both grew up in families with unhealthy boundaries where it was overly tight in some areas and overly loose in others. We're still learning but we're now more aware of how unhealthy boundaries play out in our daily lives.
8. We're learning that it is okay to say "no."
Being able to say "no" without fear of abandonment or rejection is another momentous discovery for us. We used to say "yes" even when we want to say "no" and our resentment toward each other grew deeper. We're still working on this but are definitely becoming more aware of it.
9. We're learning how to love selflessly and to forgive without expecting something back in return.
I learned forgiveness is relieving the other person from debt. We don't forgive because we want them to do something for us, but because we CHOOSE to forgive out of the goodness of our hearts. True forgiveness gives us freedom, it does not make us resentful. I still toggle back and forth between forgiveness and resentment. I'm still working on this process.
10. We're learning to become better parents and are committed to end our generational cycle of abuse and codepedency.
We both agree that we don't want to pass this onto our children the way our parents passed down their guilt, shame and fear onto us. We want our children to grow up in a healthier environment and refuse to repeat what our parents did to us.11. I'm feeling empowered and stronger than before.
I don't think I'm superior to others but I do feel stronger than others, for example other women who may still be stuck in their denial or enabling stage of codependency. I feel grateful for my courage and strength to face my demons instead of running away my whole life.
Because I know we may not be together forever, that divorce might become a necessity if we don't make changes, I'm now more appreciative of the little things in life like going out to dinner as family or watching movies together.
13. We may not "be in love" but are now connected on a much deeper level.
There are no more butterflies and lovestruck moments but we now love and care for each other on a much deeper level. We shared so many moments of tears, heartache and volatile fights that our connection is so real despite it being dark at times. Dark and light coexist. Darker the darkness, lighter the light becomes.
14. Through my husband's sex addiction, I'm discovering so much about myself that I wouldn't have known otherwise.
I've always been observant, analytical and critical about my surroundings but I know I would never have achieved such a deep level of self-reflection and meditation unless I encountered something as painful and traumatic as finding out about my husband's sex addiction. 15. I now have an opportunity to channel my trauma and difficulty into strengths that can make me happier, more fulfilled and successful in life.
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