Solitude

I spent most of my day reading books about sex addiction and spirituality. An important part of my recovery journey has been reading and even as an avid reader I sometimes get tired of it all.  My husband has never been a proactive person and still has trouble initiating anything. It still takes him months to read, weeks to see his therapist and he still has not gone to a single SA meeting.  It makes me feel isolated because I'm undertaking this journey alone but I know I can't just sit here and wait for him to initiate his change.  Instead I need to enjoy the solitude and use the silence around me to focus on myself, no one else.

At times lash out at him and make him suffer for the pain he has caused in this marriage and my life.  Sometimes I want to just pack my bags and leave. In my mind I've already packed my bags a thousand times. But I know too well that leaving like this won't do much for me.  Even if I leave this marriage one day, I must first find the serenity within myself and break out of this cycle so I don't attract another man just like my husband.  Knowing the disturbed state of my mind and my deeply rooted pattern of behavior, finding a healthy male figure is slim to none unless I get better.  Does that sound like an excuse? Maybe it is.  I guess I'm just avoiding the one thing that still disturbs me.

I still love my husband. Maybe my love isn't healthy, maybe it's only an illusion. But I do still love him whether or not my love is good or harmful. Love is love and I love him in the best way I know how to love.  A part of me feels like I belong with someone like my husband. As much as I resent his illness, we're two peas in a pod.

This is too sad. Just too sick and too sad.

My husband has an appointment with his therapist tomorrow.  I guess all I can do is pray for his strength and open heart. Other than that I'm going to keep my mouth shut and try my very best not to interrupt or disrupt his path. Whatever his path is, that is his not mine. I need to stop playing his mother and stop trying to fix things.

All I can do today is fix myself and remember to be grateful for the things I do have. I'm grateful for my beautiful children, I'm grateful for our health and I'm grateful to God for making me me.